Teen Wolf Movie Review

Ah Teen Wolf. The quintessential 80's movie. The film follows a high school student, played by Michael J. Fox, and although he is incredibly short and unathletic, he is on the basketball team, if you think thats hard to believe, it only gets worse from there. McFly quickly discovers that he is a werewolf, one thing i'd liek to talk about is the scene where he is in the bathroom and he is going through his werewolf transition and his dad is pounding on the door telling him to open it and all that. If you close your eyes and listen it really sounds like his dad is barging in on him yanking it, something i totally didn't think about when i watched it as a kid, but it's kinda funny to think about now. Anyway he gains all the things you'd think he would from being a werewolf, hair all over his body, pointy teeth, 3 point abilities.. dunk skills.... offensive awareness...

Yes you hear me correct, being a werewolf has somehow enhanced his b-ball skills tremendously, not only that but it has made him super popular with his peers (especially the ladies).

For some reason when i envisioned a werewolf roaming the halls of a high school i didn't think it would be followed by crowds of people wearing his face on a t-shirt chanting "WOLF WOLF!"

I mean, i've gone through most of my high school life as a hairy short unathletic kid, and trust me it is nothing like this film depicts.

There is some heart warming message to this film, but i was to busy watching the canine in gym shorts doing lay-ups and hitting fade aways like a rabies infected Michael Jordan.

Overall Teen Wolf was ridiculous, but for a 80's movie about a basketball playing werewolf your not really supposed to expect the next Citizen cane.

For the nostalgia alone it deserves.

2 out of 5 stars

Pootie Tang Review

I had to write a movie review for class and decided to do pootie tang, but not the one your thinking of... My teacher is super cool so he will probobly love it.

Here

Pootie Tang
Movie Review
6/9/08
Sam L.

I sat down for what I thought would be a hilarious, black humor filled comedy fun fest. The internet has never steered me wrong before, and my bittorent download was going great, PootieTang.avi, sounded legit enough, but what I got was far from what I had expected. The first thing id like to say is , Director Louis C.K. Did a fantastic job on the lighting, especially on the genitals.

One of my major problems with this film was the excessive use of nudity, almost 90% of this film was filmed in the nude, Very low brow Chris Rock, very low brow. The plot was generally confusing, why would the pizza man immediately take his clothes off upon entry to the house? Very unprofessional, one can only assume he was fired shortly after. The entire movie began to get a bit repetitive, I began to just assume I was about to see someone take their clothes off (I was usually right). Very predictable. It was around the time the donkey came out that I became extremely bored, Come on! Where is the comedy? Where are all of those funny jokes that ive come to know and love from Chris Rocks stand up acts, that one about how white people are different then black people gets me every time .

When the house-keeper showed up to Pooties's house, I figured she was going to clean his house. I was partially correct, as she only seemed interested in cleaning his genitals, which I must say; were already fairly tidy to begin with. Now something I loved about the film was the acting. Hugh G. Rection gave a performance that can only be compared to Brando in The Godfather, utterly flawless and captivating in every scene, when he asked the women if she ordered her pizza with the sausage, it was as if he was staring into my soul. Bravo Mr. Rection. I got really excited about 20 minutes into the film, finally here the was, Chris Rock to save the day, here comes the comedy, buckle your seat belts folks. Now Chris Rock looked a lot different in this film, for one thing he was around 200 pounds heavier then when I previously saw him, and also he was Mexican, and what he did next is to graphic for me to even describe to you, shame on you Osmosis. Perhaps im just not hip enough to get the jokes, maybe im too white, the jokes are flying right over my silky smooth non nappy head.

In conclusion Pootie Tang was not a great movie, still not as bad as I expected, definitely funnier then the trailer, but overall that’s not saying much. The directing was bland, rarely would the camera change angles, and when it did I found myself praying for the angle to change back. Acting was solid, plot was to confusing for the average viewer, but the twist ending ties it all together (literally. If you watch it you’ll see what I mean!) But hopefully they can produce a sequal so they can tie up some of the loose ends.

Overall I Give Pootie Tang

8 buckets of fried chicken out of 10

WWF The 90's....

Back in the mid to late 1990's Wrestling was on top of the world. Stone cold was a badass, The Rock was the peoples champ. And a group of degenerates where teaching me how to tell people to suck my penis, life was good.

As with most childhood memories. I tend to see wrestling differently when i watch it now. When i see all the shit that i used to watch as a 8-10 year old kid, i am kind of appalled that i was allowed to watch this stuff at such a young age. One wrestler in particular stands out in my mind. His name was Val Venis, and he would come to the stage to the tune of his smooth porno sounding jazz intro music that would begin with his oh so clever catch phrase "Hello Ladies." And his entrance video was just a montage of sexual innuendos, with close ups of hot dogs going into buns and a plethora of odd zoom ins on his orgasmic looking face. He would come to stage in a towel, which he would tear off while doing some kind of sexy dance (apparently trying to seduce the 9 year olds and rednecks who watched this program). And to top it all off, his finishing move was called..... Wait for it.... "The Money Shot".

Yea thats right, the money shot..... I don't even have a joke prepared for that, it's pretty self explanatory.

Most of this flew over my head, but even my small childlike mind could decipher the blatantly obvious sexual overtones of his whole character. I mean come on, there is one point in his video that i remember him being in the shower with some girl , and she slowly goes down under the screen, then he makes a face that can only be explained as Jackie Chan eating a jalapeño pepper. Thats really all i can say about this guy.

One of my favorites was Stone Cold Steve Austin. I distinctly remember him always running out into the ring in his underwear and then pouring beer all over himself, he never drunk it he just poured it everywhere. I wonder if thats what he did with all of his liquids, perhaps when he has a cold he just pours robitussin all over his head and goes on with his day. (This also works for STONE colds! HAH! oh Sam you comedic genius...)

I remember a slew of other crazy events, For instance i remember one episode where a very large black man named "Sexual Chocolate" apparently impregnates an 80 year old women and then she gives birth to a hand. Yea, a fucking hand, I still remember the look on my teachers face the next day when i asked him why old women and black men have children in the form of amputated limbs, apparently he wasn't a fan of the show. There was also a large Hawaiian man who has a move that involved smashing his large diaper covered ass into peoples faces, and there was X-pac who had special move that involved repeatedly smashing his balls into the enemies face, apparently balling them into submission.

It is really hard to fit everything into this blog post, perhaps i'll revisit this subject another time, because in all honesty it seems like every wrestler they had was either completely retarded or just really inappropriate and obscene for a show which was watched by so many elementary school kids.

i'll leave you with 1 picture that i really just can't say much about, im just speechless.

these used to be 2 of my favorite wrestlers, i don't even want to know what the fuck is going on in this picture.

The FAKE Thanksgiving - By Roland

Ah, Thanksgiving, a time to fellowship with people that bother you, gorge yourself on excessive amounts of food, and give thanks in honor of the pilgrims who raped and murdered an entire race, a wonderful day indeed. Well, I guess its better then hunting for eggs in the name of Zombie Jesus.

The history of thanksgiving began when Captain John Woodgiver and the 38 rapists landed at Charles City in Virginia. After they landed, the area's name was changed from Virginia to Ia, due to simple logic.

The captain wanted to mark this day down, as a holiday to celebrate Mexican buffets, and genocide on the barbaric enemies of God: turkeys. The captain, as with all figures in modern history detested the turkey, as, to them, it symbolized everything they hated. That is to say, homosexuality. Why do you think the turkeys say gobble gobble? Come on, it's pretty obvious.

Another fun fact in thanksgiving history is that the pilgrims were lead by the great Squanto, who helped them learn how to survive off of the land. If it wasn't for Squanto, the spoiled pilgrims probably would have died off. So the pilgrims devised the best way possible to thank him for saving their lives and securing the future of the nation. They murdered his entire tribe and kidnapped him. Happy thanksgiving Squanto!

Contrary to popular belief, the first thanksgiving had NOTHING to do with Indians, that was the third thanksgiving. (That's actually the only true piece of information in this article, go look it up.) The Indians only became involved in the ceremony when the mighty cracker-eating English realized they suck at having feasts, since crackers do not fill anyone up, and prevent the English from whistling. Which was important, as they English could not sick their dogs on the Indians without whistling.

So they invited the Indians to the feast, on a few conditions.

1.) The Indians bring all the food, no crackers allowed.
2.) The English eat all the food and the Indians shut up about it.
3.) The English are still allowed to rape the land and cultivate their women.

The Indians accepted these terms because they were eager to learn how the English liked their corn on the cob, corn-flavored cake, and most importantly, corn. In the end, the English enjoyed the corn-flavored corn, which is demonstrated in this graph of raping and murder/raping.

As seen by the graph, raping and murdering/raping was cut in half by the successful feast, and to make up for the low figures, the English went into doubletime raping and murder/raping. Doubletime Raping/Murder/Raping or DRMR as it is now known, is widely accepted as a Thanksgiving tradition. Do not let your founding rapists down.

Happy Thanksgiving guys.

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The REAL Thanksgiving - By Sam

Now kids, its time for me to tell you about the REAL thanksgiving.

Don't listen to all of that pilgrim bullshit, its all just a cover up by the C.I.A (and Mcdonalds). The real thanksgiving occurred in the year 2538, The cyborg zombies had just broken through the fortress of solitude, leaving batman (who had taken over for superman while he was on vacation) alone with no back-up. Thankfully batman's martial arts skills and super rad gadgets helped him fight off many of the zombies, however sadly his lack of super powers inevitably ended up with him being tossed around like a joint. Once the cyborg zombies had taken over the fortress of solitude all hope seemed lost. But there was still one hero, one man, a man of many identities, policemen, homosexual father to a little baby, and helper of elderly people who frequent alien cocoon filled swimming pools. Thats right, none other then the great warrior Steve Gutenberg.

Now Steve knew the task at hand would be a difficult one, but he was up to the challenge. President Danny Tanner ordered Steve Gutenberg to go back in time and enlist the help of Abraham Lincoln, Sadly time travel hadn't been invented yet, so he settled for the next best thing, he went and talked to the great Cyborg Zombie Abraham Lincoln. Which was an awful idea because Zombie Lincoln tore off his head and used it as a sombrero. And once again, all hope was lost, or was it?







Yea it pretty much was.








So the cyborg zombies killed off the majority of the human race, and decided to thank the humans, since it was their technology that made their life possible. They thanked them by throwing a grand feast known as Thanksgiving (or UUUUUGUGUUHUHU BLEEP BLOOP, to the cyborg zombies) Eventually Dr. Emmit Brown jr. III Esquire PHD MD invented a time machine run solely off of his anal feces, which allowed him to go back in time to warn the humans of their impending doom. Sadly the cyborg zombie king Larry King (who managed to slip through the cracks and pass him self off as a zombie) Found out about this technology and had Emmit Brown BURNED AT STEAK HOUSE, which was a popular tourist attraction at the time. Larry King sent some of his zombie minions back in time, all the way to the 1600's , and it was the zombies, not pilgrims who actually killed and enslaved the indians. And since they're good zombies, they once again threw a feast for their victims, and thus Thanksgiving was born(again).

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Super Mario Bros 2 - Game Review

The first super mario brothers game was wildly successful and consisted of jumping on the head of the enemy to defeat them, so the next logical step for the sequel was to turn mario into a farmer who throws beets at turtles and flies magic carpets until they dissolve. Why not?

The game starts off letting you choose which little player you want to use. This function is essentially useless, as the princess is undeniably the best character. Good idea assholes, make the fucking princess the good character, I guess making Mario the best would make too much sense, so let's go with her. She can glide.

And while we're on the subject, why CAN she glide? Do they ever explain that? And why does Luigi jump so fucking high? That's not consistent with the past or later games, so what's the point? Everyone knows Mario could kick Luigi and the princess's asses without even shooting his snot-powered fire balls. The princess should not be able to glide. End of story.

So now that you've chosen that sneaky bitch Peach (nice name by the way, her parents must have encouraged her stripping career) you start the actual game play.

In the beginning, you're just falling for a while (which is sadly the most exciting part of the game) and then you land on one of those weird green mountain things. I don't know what those things are really supposed to be. I guess that's grass? Whatever.

Anyway, in general the game play sucks hardcore unwiped ass. You have to constantly pick up vegetables, which, in essence, makes Mario a farmer. So you're farming for power-ups all the time, other wise you'll miss stuff, like the mushrooms. You obtain the mushrooms by pulling a beet out of the ground, it turns into a potion, you throw the potion BACK at the ground, and a magical 4th dimension portal appears, where you grab coins and mushrooms.

Speaking of mushrooms, what the fuck drugs were the people on who made this game? Does powering up have to be so fucking complicated? Why not make me fill out a fucking mushroom request form in triplicate so I can mail it to the Nintendo Headquarters and have them review my request and potentially send me back a mushroom, with receipt of course. I guess hitting boxes and grabbing the shrooms just wasn't good enough. I mean, I thought that was a pretty good system actually. It seems easier than farming portals into the twilight zone

Getting power-ups shouldn't be so difficult. The shit is harder to find than Legends of the Hidden Temple.

How the levels end is also very different from the first game and from all the later games. Instead sliding down the flag, or hitting a little box, you get eaten by a hanging bird-head. I have nothing funny to say about this. There's simply nothing humorous about a decapitated falcon head swallowing mario whole and him magically ending up at the next level. It makes as much sense as anything else in this "game".

Other than that, the game pretty much feels like it was made in slow-motion, since the characters are generally slower than a tranquilized snail. I also love how hard they made the bosses. Pressing the power button on the console is harder than defeating these morons. And it's also a lot more fun.

Super Mario Bros 2 gets a 2 out of 5.


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Spiderman 3 - Movie Review

Spiderman 3 - Movie Review

Biggest movie of 2007!

And it sucked

Warning spoilers ahead!

There are so many things wrong with this movie, in fact its so bad that it is actually hilarious . I laughed harder at this then i do at most comedies.

Here is what i got out of spiderman 3

* If someone kills your father, steal his girlfriend
* Pie is sooo good
* Mary jane's lips taste like strawberry
* Who gives a fuck about a giant crane destroying the city, you saved some hot chick!
* Watch out for the symbiont , it will make you a piano playing,jazz dancing,emo evil son of a bitch!
* Weird scientific test facilities are guarded only by a 5 foot tall fence.
* Stan lee is an amazing actor, therefor he does not need a reason to make a cameo, nor does he need well written lines.
* Who needs Spider-Man to save the day and whip ass when we can watch Peter cry and dance badly for 90 minutes?
* Norman Osbourne apparently had a cheesy velvet painting of himself made before he died.
* If you become Venom, you can find the Sandman in the nearest dark alley.
* Venom likes being bad, it makes him happy
* American news reporters have British accents.
* Pumpkin bombs can destroy chunks of buildings , however if it explodes on harry , it turns him into the phantom of the opera.

Cheesy lines,bad cgi,and a terrible plot all made this a pretty shitty movie, they had about 5 storylines going on at the same time and they where all badly developed. I felt like it was all just some sick joke by Sam Raimi , i was hoping he would pop up somewhere and say "Gotcha bitch! heres the real spiderman 3 , the one with a script that doesn't suck massive dick". But sadly that never happened

This movie was 2 and a half hours to long


i give it a 2 out of 5.

Winston, the forgotten black Ghostbuster - Tv Rant

Winston, the forgotten black Ghostbuster - Tv Rant

As a kid (and still today) Ghostbusters was my favorite movie, and i equally loved the television show "The Real Ghostbusters". But as i grew older i began to understand that Winston served no purpose, he was simply the token black dude , nothing more nothing less.

To be honest, the writers probably wanted to make the original title "The Real Ghostbusters & Blacky!" Where Winston would play the role of slimer , wandering about the firehouse eating all of the fried chicken while spouting out random words that the white people couldn't understand, and making the place filthy. In fact, if that was the case, he would have had a bigger part then he did in the actual cartoon and 2 movies combined.

Winston never contributed when the Ghostbusters where trying to solve a ghostly mystery. I could just imagine how it would have played out had he tried to put in his 2 cents.

Egon: There seems to be no info on this ghost available in my database!
Winston : Well i once read that...
Pete : *smacks Winston to the ground*
Peter: WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU TO READ NIGGA
Winston: Sorry masta Venkman....
And he lays on the floor as slimer begins to violently rape him with his ectoplasmicly lubricated penis.

Hell, even in the films he wasn't treated as a important character, he is rarely mentioned in interviews as being a Ghostbuster and he wasn't even on the poster! Now its understandable that Winston was only in the last half of the first film, because his character was hired later on and not part of the original team. But in the second film its the same scenario. Winston is nowhere to be found in the first part of the film, and by this time, he was a well established part of the franchise. Hell he is even left out of the first bust scene, even though he is CLEARLY visible inside the courtroom early on. But they just let him sit back as the white man saves the day, ridiculous.











One of his rare lines in the first film sums this whole article up very nicely.

"This job is not worth $11,500 a year!"

How to rape poets.

Have you ever wondered how you could go about raping aspiring poets? "Strange question!" you say. Well it isn't. Don't say that.

Many people have been wondering for years how to take the money and virginity of innocent and incidentally, awful poets. Every one of these people have gathered together to form the evil and generally stinky website and company; poetry.com. "Poetry.com sounds legitimate to me.", you say "Why shouldn't I submit poems to them when the contest is FREE?! LIEK WAT CAN I LOOOOSE?!!!!!!11". Well first of all, don't type like that. You sound dumb. Secondly, here's how they rape you.

They start off by letting you submit your poem for free, which sounds nice and harmless, so you do. Then, in about 1 week, they e-mail you saying you won Editor's Choice. Fantastic. You must be a great poet eh? EH?! NO! Everyone gets that award you monkey, and now they want you to buy a prestigious plaque. Fuck their plaque, don't pay them anything. They'll say you won another award most likely, and offer you more bullshit, like this cheap silver medallion (at a bloated price), but don't give them a dime. You shouldn't have to pay for trophies you've "earned".

Just wait, in 4+ weeks you get a letter in the mail saying you've moved on to the semi-finals of the competition and that they want to publish your poem. Wowy-Kazowie you must be Shakespeare right? RIGHT?! NO! You probably suck ass as writing. Everyone gets that letter, and unless you pay 50 bucks for a poorly slapped together collection of automatically accepted disasters, your poem WILL NOT be published. And if you DO pay, it's only published in YOUR copy. Isn't that delicious?

poetry.com makes ridunkulous amounts of money low-blowing authors by telling them they're talented, and then offering them cheap merchandise. Take the poetry.com challenge and submit a really awful poem. just don't curse or say their site name in the poem and you'll get all the same awards and letters as Maya Angelou would.

Here's a poem I submitted:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm bad at rhyming
And I like Zebras

I am a semi-finalist. Fantastic.

Sorry to anyone who's been taken in by this bullshit. I'm currently petitioning the state of Maryland (where they are located) to have them post the following sign on their site:


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Is emo music the best music EVAR?!?!

Simply put; no. Fucking no. Why would you ask that? I know I'm the one who asked it, but I asked it as if it was a question in general that people were having , but it's simply unnecessary. Shame on Hypothetical You for needing that to be answered. Emo music is not music. It is a very loud and annoying tragedy that trendy idiots everywhere are enjoying. How dare you enjoy a tragedy? You're sick.

Emo music came from the combination of two very distinctive sounds. The first sound is of heavy metal. This is the sound you hear at the beginning of the song. BE WEARY! You aren't listening to metal, do NOT let your guard down and let your mind believe you are listening to kick-ass music. If your head starts to bang, hold it back with both hands. You may want to poke yourself directly in the eye to snap yourself out of this.

This first sound is just a deadly trap. It's sucking you into a horrible lie. Emo is not metal. It is nothing like metal. If these two genres had to be related I would say metal is the badass uncle who buys you shit and lets you do whatever you want to, and emo music is the obnoxious aunt that's always nagging at the top of her lungs. That bitch ruins every family gathering (as if they were going to be fun anyway) with her dramatic bullshit and you wonder every day why your badass uncle married that bitch.

I've already alluded to the second sound; loud bitching. Every emo band has a total bitch to shriek at you in every song. I'm not sure if they're shrieking at you because you've done something wrong or because they're on their period. I'm thinking it's the second one. If guys could have periods, the result would be an emo singer. That's the only way to explain the sound of dying animals that these bitches emit from their throat every time they open their fucking mouths.

I guess the music isn't all that bad. it's just the disappointment of hearing an intro that could be coming from a band like Tool and then to be hit with that faggy wailing... it just makes me sad in the pants. Emo music: stop pretending to be something you're not. If you're gonna have the gay punk vocals, please don't play power chords. In fact, I recommend discarding the guitar altogether and using a ukulele. At least then you wouldn't be hypocrites.


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