How to rape poets.

Have you ever wondered how you could go about raping aspiring poets? "Strange question!" you say. Well it isn't. Don't say that.

Many people have been wondering for years how to take the money and virginity of innocent and incidentally, awful poets. Every one of these people have gathered together to form the evil and generally stinky website and company; poetry.com. "Poetry.com sounds legitimate to me.", you say "Why shouldn't I submit poems to them when the contest is FREE?! LIEK WAT CAN I LOOOOSE?!!!!!!11". Well first of all, don't type like that. You sound dumb. Secondly, here's how they rape you.

They start off by letting you submit your poem for free, which sounds nice and harmless, so you do. Then, in about 1 week, they e-mail you saying you won Editor's Choice. Fantastic. You must be a great poet eh? EH?! NO! Everyone gets that award you monkey, and now they want you to buy a prestigious plaque. Fuck their plaque, don't pay them anything. They'll say you won another award most likely, and offer you more bullshit, like this cheap silver medallion (at a bloated price), but don't give them a dime. You shouldn't have to pay for trophies you've "earned".

Just wait, in 4+ weeks you get a letter in the mail saying you've moved on to the semi-finals of the competition and that they want to publish your poem. Wowy-Kazowie you must be Shakespeare right? RIGHT?! NO! You probably suck ass as writing. Everyone gets that letter, and unless you pay 50 bucks for a poorly slapped together collection of automatically accepted disasters, your poem WILL NOT be published. And if you DO pay, it's only published in YOUR copy. Isn't that delicious?

poetry.com makes ridunkulous amounts of money low-blowing authors by telling them they're talented, and then offering them cheap merchandise. Take the poetry.com challenge and submit a really awful poem. just don't curse or say their site name in the poem and you'll get all the same awards and letters as Maya Angelou would.

Here's a poem I submitted:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm bad at rhyming
And I like Zebras

I am a semi-finalist. Fantastic.

Sorry to anyone who's been taken in by this bullshit. I'm currently petitioning the state of Maryland (where they are located) to have them post the following sign on their site:


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