WWF The 90's....

Back in the mid to late 1990's Wrestling was on top of the world. Stone cold was a badass, The Rock was the peoples champ. And a group of degenerates where teaching me how to tell people to suck my penis, life was good.

As with most childhood memories. I tend to see wrestling differently when i watch it now. When i see all the shit that i used to watch as a 8-10 year old kid, i am kind of appalled that i was allowed to watch this stuff at such a young age. One wrestler in particular stands out in my mind. His name was Val Venis, and he would come to the stage to the tune of his smooth porno sounding jazz intro music that would begin with his oh so clever catch phrase "Hello Ladies." And his entrance video was just a montage of sexual innuendos, with close ups of hot dogs going into buns and a plethora of odd zoom ins on his orgasmic looking face. He would come to stage in a towel, which he would tear off while doing some kind of sexy dance (apparently trying to seduce the 9 year olds and rednecks who watched this program). And to top it all off, his finishing move was called..... Wait for it.... "The Money Shot".

Yea thats right, the money shot..... I don't even have a joke prepared for that, it's pretty self explanatory.

Most of this flew over my head, but even my small childlike mind could decipher the blatantly obvious sexual overtones of his whole character. I mean come on, there is one point in his video that i remember him being in the shower with some girl , and she slowly goes down under the screen, then he makes a face that can only be explained as Jackie Chan eating a jalapeño pepper. Thats really all i can say about this guy.

One of my favorites was Stone Cold Steve Austin. I distinctly remember him always running out into the ring in his underwear and then pouring beer all over himself, he never drunk it he just poured it everywhere. I wonder if thats what he did with all of his liquids, perhaps when he has a cold he just pours robitussin all over his head and goes on with his day. (This also works for STONE colds! HAH! oh Sam you comedic genius...)

I remember a slew of other crazy events, For instance i remember one episode where a very large black man named "Sexual Chocolate" apparently impregnates an 80 year old women and then she gives birth to a hand. Yea, a fucking hand, I still remember the look on my teachers face the next day when i asked him why old women and black men have children in the form of amputated limbs, apparently he wasn't a fan of the show. There was also a large Hawaiian man who has a move that involved smashing his large diaper covered ass into peoples faces, and there was X-pac who had special move that involved repeatedly smashing his balls into the enemies face, apparently balling them into submission.

It is really hard to fit everything into this blog post, perhaps i'll revisit this subject another time, because in all honesty it seems like every wrestler they had was either completely retarded or just really inappropriate and obscene for a show which was watched by so many elementary school kids.

i'll leave you with 1 picture that i really just can't say much about, im just speechless.

these used to be 2 of my favorite wrestlers, i don't even want to know what the fuck is going on in this picture.

The REAL Thanksgiving - By Sam

Now kids, its time for me to tell you about the REAL thanksgiving.

Don't listen to all of that pilgrim bullshit, its all just a cover up by the C.I.A (and Mcdonalds). The real thanksgiving occurred in the year 2538, The cyborg zombies had just broken through the fortress of solitude, leaving batman (who had taken over for superman while he was on vacation) alone with no back-up. Thankfully batman's martial arts skills and super rad gadgets helped him fight off many of the zombies, however sadly his lack of super powers inevitably ended up with him being tossed around like a joint. Once the cyborg zombies had taken over the fortress of solitude all hope seemed lost. But there was still one hero, one man, a man of many identities, policemen, homosexual father to a little baby, and helper of elderly people who frequent alien cocoon filled swimming pools. Thats right, none other then the great warrior Steve Gutenberg.

Now Steve knew the task at hand would be a difficult one, but he was up to the challenge. President Danny Tanner ordered Steve Gutenberg to go back in time and enlist the help of Abraham Lincoln, Sadly time travel hadn't been invented yet, so he settled for the next best thing, he went and talked to the great Cyborg Zombie Abraham Lincoln. Which was an awful idea because Zombie Lincoln tore off his head and used it as a sombrero. And once again, all hope was lost, or was it?







Yea it pretty much was.








So the cyborg zombies killed off the majority of the human race, and decided to thank the humans, since it was their technology that made their life possible. They thanked them by throwing a grand feast known as Thanksgiving (or UUUUUGUGUUHUHU BLEEP BLOOP, to the cyborg zombies) Eventually Dr. Emmit Brown jr. III Esquire PHD MD invented a time machine run solely off of his anal feces, which allowed him to go back in time to warn the humans of their impending doom. Sadly the cyborg zombie king Larry King (who managed to slip through the cracks and pass him self off as a zombie) Found out about this technology and had Emmit Brown BURNED AT STEAK HOUSE, which was a popular tourist attraction at the time. Larry King sent some of his zombie minions back in time, all the way to the 1600's , and it was the zombies, not pilgrims who actually killed and enslaved the indians. And since they're good zombies, they once again threw a feast for their victims, and thus Thanksgiving was born(again).

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Super Mario Bros 2 - Game Review

The first super mario brothers game was wildly successful and consisted of jumping on the head of the enemy to defeat them, so the next logical step for the sequel was to turn mario into a farmer who throws beets at turtles and flies magic carpets until they dissolve. Why not?

The game starts off letting you choose which little player you want to use. This function is essentially useless, as the princess is undeniably the best character. Good idea assholes, make the fucking princess the good character, I guess making Mario the best would make too much sense, so let's go with her. She can glide.

And while we're on the subject, why CAN she glide? Do they ever explain that? And why does Luigi jump so fucking high? That's not consistent with the past or later games, so what's the point? Everyone knows Mario could kick Luigi and the princess's asses without even shooting his snot-powered fire balls. The princess should not be able to glide. End of story.

So now that you've chosen that sneaky bitch Peach (nice name by the way, her parents must have encouraged her stripping career) you start the actual game play.

In the beginning, you're just falling for a while (which is sadly the most exciting part of the game) and then you land on one of those weird green mountain things. I don't know what those things are really supposed to be. I guess that's grass? Whatever.

Anyway, in general the game play sucks hardcore unwiped ass. You have to constantly pick up vegetables, which, in essence, makes Mario a farmer. So you're farming for power-ups all the time, other wise you'll miss stuff, like the mushrooms. You obtain the mushrooms by pulling a beet out of the ground, it turns into a potion, you throw the potion BACK at the ground, and a magical 4th dimension portal appears, where you grab coins and mushrooms.

Speaking of mushrooms, what the fuck drugs were the people on who made this game? Does powering up have to be so fucking complicated? Why not make me fill out a fucking mushroom request form in triplicate so I can mail it to the Nintendo Headquarters and have them review my request and potentially send me back a mushroom, with receipt of course. I guess hitting boxes and grabbing the shrooms just wasn't good enough. I mean, I thought that was a pretty good system actually. It seems easier than farming portals into the twilight zone

Getting power-ups shouldn't be so difficult. The shit is harder to find than Legends of the Hidden Temple.

How the levels end is also very different from the first game and from all the later games. Instead sliding down the flag, or hitting a little box, you get eaten by a hanging bird-head. I have nothing funny to say about this. There's simply nothing humorous about a decapitated falcon head swallowing mario whole and him magically ending up at the next level. It makes as much sense as anything else in this "game".

Other than that, the game pretty much feels like it was made in slow-motion, since the characters are generally slower than a tranquilized snail. I also love how hard they made the bosses. Pressing the power button on the console is harder than defeating these morons. And it's also a lot more fun.

Super Mario Bros 2 gets a 2 out of 5.


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How to rape poets.

Have you ever wondered how you could go about raping aspiring poets? "Strange question!" you say. Well it isn't. Don't say that.

Many people have been wondering for years how to take the money and virginity of innocent and incidentally, awful poets. Every one of these people have gathered together to form the evil and generally stinky website and company; poetry.com. "Poetry.com sounds legitimate to me.", you say "Why shouldn't I submit poems to them when the contest is FREE?! LIEK WAT CAN I LOOOOSE?!!!!!!11". Well first of all, don't type like that. You sound dumb. Secondly, here's how they rape you.

They start off by letting you submit your poem for free, which sounds nice and harmless, so you do. Then, in about 1 week, they e-mail you saying you won Editor's Choice. Fantastic. You must be a great poet eh? EH?! NO! Everyone gets that award you monkey, and now they want you to buy a prestigious plaque. Fuck their plaque, don't pay them anything. They'll say you won another award most likely, and offer you more bullshit, like this cheap silver medallion (at a bloated price), but don't give them a dime. You shouldn't have to pay for trophies you've "earned".

Just wait, in 4+ weeks you get a letter in the mail saying you've moved on to the semi-finals of the competition and that they want to publish your poem. Wowy-Kazowie you must be Shakespeare right? RIGHT?! NO! You probably suck ass as writing. Everyone gets that letter, and unless you pay 50 bucks for a poorly slapped together collection of automatically accepted disasters, your poem WILL NOT be published. And if you DO pay, it's only published in YOUR copy. Isn't that delicious?

poetry.com makes ridunkulous amounts of money low-blowing authors by telling them they're talented, and then offering them cheap merchandise. Take the poetry.com challenge and submit a really awful poem. just don't curse or say their site name in the poem and you'll get all the same awards and letters as Maya Angelou would.

Here's a poem I submitted:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm bad at rhyming
And I like Zebras

I am a semi-finalist. Fantastic.

Sorry to anyone who's been taken in by this bullshit. I'm currently petitioning the state of Maryland (where they are located) to have them post the following sign on their site:


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Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - Tv Review

Power Rangers - Tv Review

Ah... Power Rangers, as a kid i fucking loved this shit, there was nothing like it (except maybe Beetleborgs, but thats another story.) Sadly i decided i would go back and watch some episodes to relive the good days, needless to say 8 year old Sam had a horrible taste in tv.

First- Putty's (or is it putties, to be quite honest i don't know the plural for putty.)


These grey bastards where always fucking with the Power Rangers. But what that Chinese queen bitch in the sky failed to notice was one MAJOR flaw in the putties. There is a HUGE giant thing on there chest that, if hit, will blast those damn things to hell. How didn't she notice that? And when the power rangers see putties they get all scared like "Oh shit putties where fucked! What are we gonna do?"

I know what you'll do, Punch the damn thing in the chest, haven't you noticed it makes them explode? Not only are they martial arts masters , but the power rangers also seem to be mildly retarded. How much easier can it get, mine as well just put a big sign that says "Hey douche bag , punch here, i'll dematerialize."

I also love how the power rangers all wore clothes that where the color of there costume, how convenient... and whats with the black ranger being black and the Chinese girl being yellow, im actually more surprised there wasn't a homosexual who was the rainbow ranger, or perhaps a Mexican ranger who is a dirty brown color and has a small mustache, and hey while your at it throw that gun away and give him a good old fashion shank.

This show really was ridiculous

I dont have much more to talk about since my memory of the MMPR is limited. But i gotta mention something i saw on youtube. Its a video of an episode of one of the 300 power rangers spin offs, where all the red rangers fight together to take on some villains (these ones dont explode when you punch them in the chest, so i guess thats an improvement.). Anyway , right before they go to fight, behind them there is a HUGE explosion of red gas... and for no fucking reason, it just happens, they pay no attention to it and go on fighting. WTF? Did all the red rangers just let out a huge ass fart simultaneously causing a massive explosion? I mean seriously whats the point?

Here is a screen cap so you know what im talking about.

















All in all the power rangers wasn't that great, but when i was a kid i loved it , so they obviously did something right, and for that reason (and because Alpha 5 was a badass, he was definetly banging Kimberly)

I give it a 3 out of 5



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2% Semen

Hey, Sam here.

So i was reading this book the other day, was filled with all of these odd medical facts, and there was one section called "Does semen have any nutritional value?" What dumbass thought of that question? Yea theres a nutrition label right here on the side of my dick, this shit is filled with vitamins and nutrients! And if you mail in the foreskin you can get a 10 dollar rebate! Yea don't forget to drink your glass of semen kids, so you can grow up big and strong like your father!



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