The FAKE Thanksgiving - By Roland

Ah, Thanksgiving, a time to fellowship with people that bother you, gorge yourself on excessive amounts of food, and give thanks in honor of the pilgrims who raped and murdered an entire race, a wonderful day indeed. Well, I guess its better then hunting for eggs in the name of Zombie Jesus.

The history of thanksgiving began when Captain John Woodgiver and the 38 rapists landed at Charles City in Virginia. After they landed, the area's name was changed from Virginia to Ia, due to simple logic.

The captain wanted to mark this day down, as a holiday to celebrate Mexican buffets, and genocide on the barbaric enemies of God: turkeys. The captain, as with all figures in modern history detested the turkey, as, to them, it symbolized everything they hated. That is to say, homosexuality. Why do you think the turkeys say gobble gobble? Come on, it's pretty obvious.

Another fun fact in thanksgiving history is that the pilgrims were lead by the great Squanto, who helped them learn how to survive off of the land. If it wasn't for Squanto, the spoiled pilgrims probably would have died off. So the pilgrims devised the best way possible to thank him for saving their lives and securing the future of the nation. They murdered his entire tribe and kidnapped him. Happy thanksgiving Squanto!

Contrary to popular belief, the first thanksgiving had NOTHING to do with Indians, that was the third thanksgiving. (That's actually the only true piece of information in this article, go look it up.) The Indians only became involved in the ceremony when the mighty cracker-eating English realized they suck at having feasts, since crackers do not fill anyone up, and prevent the English from whistling. Which was important, as they English could not sick their dogs on the Indians without whistling.

So they invited the Indians to the feast, on a few conditions.

1.) The Indians bring all the food, no crackers allowed.
2.) The English eat all the food and the Indians shut up about it.
3.) The English are still allowed to rape the land and cultivate their women.

The Indians accepted these terms because they were eager to learn how the English liked their corn on the cob, corn-flavored cake, and most importantly, corn. In the end, the English enjoyed the corn-flavored corn, which is demonstrated in this graph of raping and murder/raping.

As seen by the graph, raping and murdering/raping was cut in half by the successful feast, and to make up for the low figures, the English went into doubletime raping and murder/raping. Doubletime Raping/Murder/Raping or DRMR as it is now known, is widely accepted as a Thanksgiving tradition. Do not let your founding rapists down.

Happy Thanksgiving guys.

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Super Mario Bros 2 - Game Review

The first super mario brothers game was wildly successful and consisted of jumping on the head of the enemy to defeat them, so the next logical step for the sequel was to turn mario into a farmer who throws beets at turtles and flies magic carpets until they dissolve. Why not?

The game starts off letting you choose which little player you want to use. This function is essentially useless, as the princess is undeniably the best character. Good idea assholes, make the fucking princess the good character, I guess making Mario the best would make too much sense, so let's go with her. She can glide.

And while we're on the subject, why CAN she glide? Do they ever explain that? And why does Luigi jump so fucking high? That's not consistent with the past or later games, so what's the point? Everyone knows Mario could kick Luigi and the princess's asses without even shooting his snot-powered fire balls. The princess should not be able to glide. End of story.

So now that you've chosen that sneaky bitch Peach (nice name by the way, her parents must have encouraged her stripping career) you start the actual game play.

In the beginning, you're just falling for a while (which is sadly the most exciting part of the game) and then you land on one of those weird green mountain things. I don't know what those things are really supposed to be. I guess that's grass? Whatever.

Anyway, in general the game play sucks hardcore unwiped ass. You have to constantly pick up vegetables, which, in essence, makes Mario a farmer. So you're farming for power-ups all the time, other wise you'll miss stuff, like the mushrooms. You obtain the mushrooms by pulling a beet out of the ground, it turns into a potion, you throw the potion BACK at the ground, and a magical 4th dimension portal appears, where you grab coins and mushrooms.

Speaking of mushrooms, what the fuck drugs were the people on who made this game? Does powering up have to be so fucking complicated? Why not make me fill out a fucking mushroom request form in triplicate so I can mail it to the Nintendo Headquarters and have them review my request and potentially send me back a mushroom, with receipt of course. I guess hitting boxes and grabbing the shrooms just wasn't good enough. I mean, I thought that was a pretty good system actually. It seems easier than farming portals into the twilight zone

Getting power-ups shouldn't be so difficult. The shit is harder to find than Legends of the Hidden Temple.

How the levels end is also very different from the first game and from all the later games. Instead sliding down the flag, or hitting a little box, you get eaten by a hanging bird-head. I have nothing funny to say about this. There's simply nothing humorous about a decapitated falcon head swallowing mario whole and him magically ending up at the next level. It makes as much sense as anything else in this "game".

Other than that, the game pretty much feels like it was made in slow-motion, since the characters are generally slower than a tranquilized snail. I also love how hard they made the bosses. Pressing the power button on the console is harder than defeating these morons. And it's also a lot more fun.

Super Mario Bros 2 gets a 2 out of 5.


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Spiderman 3 - Movie Review

Spiderman 3 - Movie Review

Biggest movie of 2007!

And it sucked

Warning spoilers ahead!

There are so many things wrong with this movie, in fact its so bad that it is actually hilarious . I laughed harder at this then i do at most comedies.

Here is what i got out of spiderman 3

* If someone kills your father, steal his girlfriend
* Pie is sooo good
* Mary jane's lips taste like strawberry
* Who gives a fuck about a giant crane destroying the city, you saved some hot chick!
* Watch out for the symbiont , it will make you a piano playing,jazz dancing,emo evil son of a bitch!
* Weird scientific test facilities are guarded only by a 5 foot tall fence.
* Stan lee is an amazing actor, therefor he does not need a reason to make a cameo, nor does he need well written lines.
* Who needs Spider-Man to save the day and whip ass when we can watch Peter cry and dance badly for 90 minutes?
* Norman Osbourne apparently had a cheesy velvet painting of himself made before he died.
* If you become Venom, you can find the Sandman in the nearest dark alley.
* Venom likes being bad, it makes him happy
* American news reporters have British accents.
* Pumpkin bombs can destroy chunks of buildings , however if it explodes on harry , it turns him into the phantom of the opera.

Cheesy lines,bad cgi,and a terrible plot all made this a pretty shitty movie, they had about 5 storylines going on at the same time and they where all badly developed. I felt like it was all just some sick joke by Sam Raimi , i was hoping he would pop up somewhere and say "Gotcha bitch! heres the real spiderman 3 , the one with a script that doesn't suck massive dick". But sadly that never happened

This movie was 2 and a half hours to long


i give it a 2 out of 5.

How to rape poets.

Have you ever wondered how you could go about raping aspiring poets? "Strange question!" you say. Well it isn't. Don't say that.

Many people have been wondering for years how to take the money and virginity of innocent and incidentally, awful poets. Every one of these people have gathered together to form the evil and generally stinky website and company; poetry.com. "Poetry.com sounds legitimate to me.", you say "Why shouldn't I submit poems to them when the contest is FREE?! LIEK WAT CAN I LOOOOSE?!!!!!!11". Well first of all, don't type like that. You sound dumb. Secondly, here's how they rape you.

They start off by letting you submit your poem for free, which sounds nice and harmless, so you do. Then, in about 1 week, they e-mail you saying you won Editor's Choice. Fantastic. You must be a great poet eh? EH?! NO! Everyone gets that award you monkey, and now they want you to buy a prestigious plaque. Fuck their plaque, don't pay them anything. They'll say you won another award most likely, and offer you more bullshit, like this cheap silver medallion (at a bloated price), but don't give them a dime. You shouldn't have to pay for trophies you've "earned".

Just wait, in 4+ weeks you get a letter in the mail saying you've moved on to the semi-finals of the competition and that they want to publish your poem. Wowy-Kazowie you must be Shakespeare right? RIGHT?! NO! You probably suck ass as writing. Everyone gets that letter, and unless you pay 50 bucks for a poorly slapped together collection of automatically accepted disasters, your poem WILL NOT be published. And if you DO pay, it's only published in YOUR copy. Isn't that delicious?

poetry.com makes ridunkulous amounts of money low-blowing authors by telling them they're talented, and then offering them cheap merchandise. Take the poetry.com challenge and submit a really awful poem. just don't curse or say their site name in the poem and you'll get all the same awards and letters as Maya Angelou would.

Here's a poem I submitted:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm bad at rhyming
And I like Zebras

I am a semi-finalist. Fantastic.

Sorry to anyone who's been taken in by this bullshit. I'm currently petitioning the state of Maryland (where they are located) to have them post the following sign on their site:


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Is emo music the best music EVAR?!?!

Simply put; no. Fucking no. Why would you ask that? I know I'm the one who asked it, but I asked it as if it was a question in general that people were having , but it's simply unnecessary. Shame on Hypothetical You for needing that to be answered. Emo music is not music. It is a very loud and annoying tragedy that trendy idiots everywhere are enjoying. How dare you enjoy a tragedy? You're sick.

Emo music came from the combination of two very distinctive sounds. The first sound is of heavy metal. This is the sound you hear at the beginning of the song. BE WEARY! You aren't listening to metal, do NOT let your guard down and let your mind believe you are listening to kick-ass music. If your head starts to bang, hold it back with both hands. You may want to poke yourself directly in the eye to snap yourself out of this.

This first sound is just a deadly trap. It's sucking you into a horrible lie. Emo is not metal. It is nothing like metal. If these two genres had to be related I would say metal is the badass uncle who buys you shit and lets you do whatever you want to, and emo music is the obnoxious aunt that's always nagging at the top of her lungs. That bitch ruins every family gathering (as if they were going to be fun anyway) with her dramatic bullshit and you wonder every day why your badass uncle married that bitch.

I've already alluded to the second sound; loud bitching. Every emo band has a total bitch to shriek at you in every song. I'm not sure if they're shrieking at you because you've done something wrong or because they're on their period. I'm thinking it's the second one. If guys could have periods, the result would be an emo singer. That's the only way to explain the sound of dying animals that these bitches emit from their throat every time they open their fucking mouths.

I guess the music isn't all that bad. it's just the disappointment of hearing an intro that could be coming from a band like Tool and then to be hit with that faggy wailing... it just makes me sad in the pants. Emo music: stop pretending to be something you're not. If you're gonna have the gay punk vocals, please don't play power chords. In fact, I recommend discarding the guitar altogether and using a ukulele. At least then you wouldn't be hypocrites.


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2% Semen

Hey, Sam here.

So i was reading this book the other day, was filled with all of these odd medical facts, and there was one section called "Does semen have any nutritional value?" What dumbass thought of that question? Yea theres a nutrition label right here on the side of my dick, this shit is filled with vitamins and nutrients! And if you mail in the foreskin you can get a 10 dollar rebate! Yea don't forget to drink your glass of semen kids, so you can grow up big and strong like your father!



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