The FAKE Thanksgiving - By Roland

Ah, Thanksgiving, a time to fellowship with people that bother you, gorge yourself on excessive amounts of food, and give thanks in honor of the pilgrims who raped and murdered an entire race, a wonderful day indeed. Well, I guess its better then hunting for eggs in the name of Zombie Jesus.

The history of thanksgiving began when Captain John Woodgiver and the 38 rapists landed at Charles City in Virginia. After they landed, the area's name was changed from Virginia to Ia, due to simple logic.

The captain wanted to mark this day down, as a holiday to celebrate Mexican buffets, and genocide on the barbaric enemies of God: turkeys. The captain, as with all figures in modern history detested the turkey, as, to them, it symbolized everything they hated. That is to say, homosexuality. Why do you think the turkeys say gobble gobble? Come on, it's pretty obvious.

Another fun fact in thanksgiving history is that the pilgrims were lead by the great Squanto, who helped them learn how to survive off of the land. If it wasn't for Squanto, the spoiled pilgrims probably would have died off. So the pilgrims devised the best way possible to thank him for saving their lives and securing the future of the nation. They murdered his entire tribe and kidnapped him. Happy thanksgiving Squanto!

Contrary to popular belief, the first thanksgiving had NOTHING to do with Indians, that was the third thanksgiving. (That's actually the only true piece of information in this article, go look it up.) The Indians only became involved in the ceremony when the mighty cracker-eating English realized they suck at having feasts, since crackers do not fill anyone up, and prevent the English from whistling. Which was important, as they English could not sick their dogs on the Indians without whistling.

So they invited the Indians to the feast, on a few conditions.

1.) The Indians bring all the food, no crackers allowed.
2.) The English eat all the food and the Indians shut up about it.
3.) The English are still allowed to rape the land and cultivate their women.

The Indians accepted these terms because they were eager to learn how the English liked their corn on the cob, corn-flavored cake, and most importantly, corn. In the end, the English enjoyed the corn-flavored corn, which is demonstrated in this graph of raping and murder/raping.

As seen by the graph, raping and murdering/raping was cut in half by the successful feast, and to make up for the low figures, the English went into doubletime raping and murder/raping. Doubletime Raping/Murder/Raping or DRMR as it is now known, is widely accepted as a Thanksgiving tradition. Do not let your founding rapists down.

Happy Thanksgiving guys.

Tags: Humor comedy comedy comedy shirt shirt merchandise games movies movie game funny comedy humor