Super Mario Bros 2 - Game Review

The first super mario brothers game was wildly successful and consisted of jumping on the head of the enemy to defeat them, so the next logical step for the sequel was to turn mario into a farmer who throws beets at turtles and flies magic carpets until they dissolve. Why not?

The game starts off letting you choose which little player you want to use. This function is essentially useless, as the princess is undeniably the best character. Good idea assholes, make the fucking princess the good character, I guess making Mario the best would make too much sense, so let's go with her. She can glide.

And while we're on the subject, why CAN she glide? Do they ever explain that? And why does Luigi jump so fucking high? That's not consistent with the past or later games, so what's the point? Everyone knows Mario could kick Luigi and the princess's asses without even shooting his snot-powered fire balls. The princess should not be able to glide. End of story.

So now that you've chosen that sneaky bitch Peach (nice name by the way, her parents must have encouraged her stripping career) you start the actual game play.

In the beginning, you're just falling for a while (which is sadly the most exciting part of the game) and then you land on one of those weird green mountain things. I don't know what those things are really supposed to be. I guess that's grass? Whatever.

Anyway, in general the game play sucks hardcore unwiped ass. You have to constantly pick up vegetables, which, in essence, makes Mario a farmer. So you're farming for power-ups all the time, other wise you'll miss stuff, like the mushrooms. You obtain the mushrooms by pulling a beet out of the ground, it turns into a potion, you throw the potion BACK at the ground, and a magical 4th dimension portal appears, where you grab coins and mushrooms.

Speaking of mushrooms, what the fuck drugs were the people on who made this game? Does powering up have to be so fucking complicated? Why not make me fill out a fucking mushroom request form in triplicate so I can mail it to the Nintendo Headquarters and have them review my request and potentially send me back a mushroom, with receipt of course. I guess hitting boxes and grabbing the shrooms just wasn't good enough. I mean, I thought that was a pretty good system actually. It seems easier than farming portals into the twilight zone

Getting power-ups shouldn't be so difficult. The shit is harder to find than Legends of the Hidden Temple.

How the levels end is also very different from the first game and from all the later games. Instead sliding down the flag, or hitting a little box, you get eaten by a hanging bird-head. I have nothing funny to say about this. There's simply nothing humorous about a decapitated falcon head swallowing mario whole and him magically ending up at the next level. It makes as much sense as anything else in this "game".

Other than that, the game pretty much feels like it was made in slow-motion, since the characters are generally slower than a tranquilized snail. I also love how hard they made the bosses. Pressing the power button on the console is harder than defeating these morons. And it's also a lot more fun.

Super Mario Bros 2 gets a 2 out of 5.


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